Aarghh

Go away
Yes you
No i'm not listening
Not indulging you
Not now
Not anymore
Go away

I'm finished
With this
With anything
You have in mind
In future
Or now

I'm tired
Of listening
Of sympathising
Of soothing

You might want it
Expect it
Like it
You,
who are selfish
Self centred
Do you not see?
Is it that hard?

You,
Who are short sighted
Who are so wound up
In your own little world
I'm tired.

I'm tired,
of you
your whims
your sudden bursts
of emotions

I'm tired
Of you
And everything else
That's connected with you
And everybody else

Who did this?
You?
Or me??
Who caused this?
You?
Or have I
Been silent too long??

No i'm not
Angry
I want you
To stop
Now
And forever.

Peut-ceci obtenir pire ??

I want to rant and break and smash and burn. I'm feeling so destructive at the moment that i feel like deleting this whole blog right this instant. And i'm doing the exact opposite; i'm appending it. Gnnnghh... I'm leaving... Or else i'll work on my unreasonable inclinations. What is WRONG with me ??

Just back from school

Something i wrote looooong back

Went to school a couple of days back... Can't believe how weird I felt. If it makes any sense; I have never felt any further away from school-life than I felt that day, in school. Everything was more or less the same, except there was none of the old crowd I'm so used to seeing... Even though I never realised it before, the people from our batch I was not that close to formed an integral part of the school I knew for all these years. They provided the necessary background; and it was comforting to see and recognise familiar faces in the corridors, even though I never stopped to chat with them. I don't know whether all this is just temporary, but what I do know is that I'm missing all this terribly right now... Kind of wishing for a Class XIII... He he. But don't get me wrong, NO WAY I want to get up at 5:30 in the morning and rush to get ready for school-- That is a part I DEFINITELY will NOT miss !! But I DO miss all of you guys from school... I know that some of us are going to drift apart and become busy in our own lives and make new friends... But I'll always remember all of you... Okay now I'm getting too sentimental; better stop.

May. 04, 2006 at 11:00 AM

When i went 'whack!'

Smiling at times with a song on my lips
Conjuring dreams in as many minutes I live
Drunk in happiness, intoxicating thoughts
Loving every minute every little thought
Dancing madly, running amuck
Laughing at silly things I love
Talking nonsensically till I make you dizzy
This is me, this is me when I’m giddy
Come run with me
Come lets dance
Singing as loud
As is my wont
Scaling new heights
Of escalating highs
Yes I am, I am drunk

Agonising

I have been learning new things. About people, and how i should not, cannot, conveniently bracket people into a certain 'type'; how dangerous the inclination to do so is. Everyone has sides which i've yet not discovered, maybe would never discover. I have learnt to suspend moral judgement, or any judgement in general, except when it comes to the self. I have no right to comment, to assume, to judge, to assert... I am learning to respect, to perceive, to admire, to try and understand. It is disrespectful to say you know a person: this i realised a long while back. But when i said that to people, they wished i had said otherwise. Is it because they don't understand enough or is it me who's short-sighted ? This in some way distances me from people, which is wrong. But how do i find an alternative ? Either i can continue making judgements on my own and feel close to some people because of it or i can view them as people with unknown potential and hence succeed in staying far, far away from getting closer to them anyhow. Or is there a third way ? Where i can act spontaneously, decide on the basis of what i see (or not see) and still remain right, and correct, and just ?? Not all the time; hoping that would be foolishly utopic... But most times. I'm searching for such a way for a long time now. Is there ???

Cheers !!

Wow... i have a LOT to write about... I'm tripping over my tongue to write everything down... But shit shit no time :(
WIll pakka do this tomorrow... Oh MAN... Funny !! I hope i remember half the stuff !!

I am loved. Wow, it's such a good feeling *contented sigh*

In a pensive mood. I wonder, is that good? it FEELS good. To be able to be in this mood. Kind of comforting, if you ask.I feel more confident. In Control.

I haven't been good today. Shit. What came over me? Since when do i talk like that?

Literally down (with flu)

Have you ever been sick? When your head hurts and you feel cold and can't eat and all you want is that someone would stroke your head and tell you nice stuff and take care of everything you want. You feel so helpless for wanting things which you can't get on your own, and when someone at that time does everything you want at your bidding, you feel so grateful... The love you feel for that person at that moment seems to make your chest burst. And when your head clears and you feel slightly better, how you prize the fact that you can actually talk and walk around and feel generally "normal" ?? And how that feeling subsides as soon as a day passes, and you're back to taking your health for granted.

Operating mechanically
For i'm far away
Answering questions
And i act gay

And no one knows.
No one guesses
Is it because
No one's seen me naked?

Salvo

Black little warriors
In transparent jackets
Some not so unclear
Yet always hidden
Wearing truth’s robe
Wolves in the herd
Biting and snapping
Frothing to the chin
Baring their fangs
To the stupid lamb
All in the surface
And writhing beneath
Sometimes dressed
All in white
Sometimes acting
Correct and wise
All dance to the tune
They hear
Of Midas singing
Growing clear
As the days pass by
Experience gained
But only of one leader
The other leaders unknown
Yet to see
Yet to encounter
Inevitable truths
Or paradoxically lies
Be prepared
Of many more
Still waiting
The wait is endless.
And here.

...

I'm off stage now.
For good
Thrown down,
Or a dignified step
Does it really matter?
The stage doesn't need me
Or I don't need it?
Is it a less of a reality
For me or you
If it's said offstage
Or not at all?
Left it for my own good
Or shoved to make space
Close my eyes
The sea engulfes me
Do i swim
Or drown?
Are my limbs weary
Or mind tired?
Grasping at straws
Hoping for meanings
Wishing for truths
Lies disappoint
Again and again and again

Uff uff tag i'm it :(

Procrastination and me go hand in hand, don't we ??


I am thinking about…

Unconnected things... Today's dinner... When to order my tutor's b'day cake... Figure out a time to reschedule my flight to Calcutta... How to finish my project... Wondering how many hours of sleep I'll get in today... Why am I writing this post even though I have no time right now... How to get annoying people to get the hint and go away... Gauging whether my toes feel cold enough for me to (ugh) get up and hunt for socks... Who ate the last bit of aaloo lachha... Blah blah blah

I said...

I've said a lot of things since i learnt the art of speaking... roughly since I was 11 months old... And i've lost track. The most interesting things i've said have been "boo" and "pfffffft"... There isn't space or time for the 10,23,12,43,68,76,59,39,25,76,89,237 more words that i would have loved to record.


I am...
Exactly what everyone aspires not to be. So beware. Too close contact may just about ruin you, as history has witnessed.

I want to…
Know more. Seriously. I'm starving to.

I make with my hands…
Umm... Ermm... Mmm... Uhh...

I wish…
I hadn't burnt the besan laddoo mix that i was experimenting with today. I really want besan laddoo now.

I cry…
Over silly things. I really shouldn't.

I hear…
Weird noises in the night. Which originates from my tummy. GROWL...

I wonder…
At people. How are they so content ??

I regret…
Surprisingly, i'm blank here. Wow.

I confuse…
Names. Oh man. I really should stop calling my neighbour... Uhh... What was her name again ??

I dance…
ALL the time !! In classes, in corridors, in the shower, in department stores !! And please don't play the song Barso Re Mega Mega near me !!

I sing…
Badly. I know, already !!

I am not always…
Human. I can be various species of animals. Monkey, bhou bhou, keech keech. And more.

I write…
Incessantly. And mostly crap.

I need…
To finish my project(s)
Sleep
Eat dinner
Wear socks (NOW!!)


And I tag YOU Anamol !!