An anarchy of alliances

There is a strange sense of disconnect at times. As if I've been living someone else's life, as if things have bounced off me without leaving even a semblance of a dent. Looking back at things that have happened, that must have happened because I have memories of them, they suddenly seem so unreal. I have to read diary entries, look for tangible objects that signify that events really took place and remind myself of the very existence of thoughts to convince me that it isn't mere hallucination, but an actual real truth. Its strange... It's not as if I cant feel or sense or touch or respond; its just that its like a smooth surface momentarily disturbed by a hurtling objects, causing violent tension at the surface for a minute that seems to agonise terribly... And then its absorbed and the surface is smooth again, unaffected, as if nothing ever really happened. Its disturbing to find that years go by and things fade into a background where nothing seems to hold any importance anymore. Its as if its not a life at all, but a mechanical assortment of events where only the present seems to be of any consequence and everything else is shoved into the past as a dream like haze that might or might not have happened, but its really unimportant, as it doesnt matter anyway. Its strange to live like this, its not living at all, but a numb existence where what is warm and sparkling and real in a sense of the word is just transient. Because isnt what is real what would affect one for all time to come? Things may not be important anymore, but wouldnt events be as real as they were say three years ago? Remembering becomes strange, and I want to get out of the memories which hold no significance anymore. Its horrible to know that you're incapable of feelings that you proudly paraded around with, calling them your own.

Its like you're life is scattered on the roadside, swirling around you like when a gust of wind picks up, and you cant really hold on to any part of it; the only thing you see is sparkling bits of cyanide droplets that cant hurt you anymore, because they dont seem to touch you.