It.

It was monumentally ugly, the monster. The sly yellow eyes with red pupils, the black gaping mouth with the snake like sticky tongue that slid in and out of the inside of thick swollen purple lips that spread over the expanse of his lower jaw in a sloppy, misshappen mess lent a grotesqueness to it. The head was huge and spread more horizontally than vertically, with a few sparse, straw-like strands which lay flat and fuzzy on the blotched skin. The ears were tiny and delicate-looking, like an artist had drawn them most carefully, intending it for another face. The bits of thick fuzz that stuck out from these ears seemed to restore the demonic stamp back to this characteristic of its body. Thick folds of grey green skin formed the neck and the thick stubby arms were joined to the body by bulky shoulders that rose so high that the neck seemed to be sunk in it. The rest of his body was lost in the darkness that surrounded him. The darkness that he commanded to be his.

An anarchy of alliances

There is a strange sense of disconnect at times. As if I've been living someone else's life, as if things have bounced off me without leaving even a semblance of a dent. Looking back at things that have happened, that must have happened because I have memories of them, they suddenly seem so unreal. I have to read diary entries, look for tangible objects that signify that events really took place and remind myself of the very existence of thoughts to convince me that it isn't mere hallucination, but an actual real truth. Its strange... It's not as if I cant feel or sense or touch or respond; its just that its like a smooth surface momentarily disturbed by a hurtling objects, causing violent tension at the surface for a minute that seems to agonise terribly... And then its absorbed and the surface is smooth again, unaffected, as if nothing ever really happened. Its disturbing to find that years go by and things fade into a background where nothing seems to hold any importance anymore. Its as if its not a life at all, but a mechanical assortment of events where only the present seems to be of any consequence and everything else is shoved into the past as a dream like haze that might or might not have happened, but its really unimportant, as it doesnt matter anyway. Its strange to live like this, its not living at all, but a numb existence where what is warm and sparkling and real in a sense of the word is just transient. Because isnt what is real what would affect one for all time to come? Things may not be important anymore, but wouldnt events be as real as they were say three years ago? Remembering becomes strange, and I want to get out of the memories which hold no significance anymore. Its horrible to know that you're incapable of feelings that you proudly paraded around with, calling them your own.

Its like you're life is scattered on the roadside, swirling around you like when a gust of wind picks up, and you cant really hold on to any part of it; the only thing you see is sparkling bits of cyanide droplets that cant hurt you anymore, because they dont seem to touch you.

India mein muft ki advice bahaut milti hai :)

#1. Individual growth should never be neglected, irrespective of the fact whether you're growing in other ways or not.

#2. Happiness is of supreme importance. Ultimately, that is what every single one of us is constantly trying to achieve. Through the choices we make, the friends we make, the decisions that we call correct.

#3. There are things you wish for. And then, there are places where you want those things to materialise from. If that doesn't happen, something is fucked. Maybe its time to question whether you're suffering from a delusion or not.

#4. Neglecting others around you is the stupidest thing one can do. You will never know when those people cease to be around you anymore. Until its too late.

#5. Reciprocation is almost as important as the act of giving itself. Without reciprocation, things cannot sustain for very long, however ardent the giving is.

#6. Never let go of things that come your way. Be worthy of them; thats the only way to hold on to them.

#7. Always listen. No matter how busy you are. There are things that are important which have too faint a voice at times.

#8. Riding a high wave can be dangerous. Especially if you lose touch with ground reality. The inevitable crash will hurt.

#9. Conceit is okay, as long as you know that its conceit and dont actually believe in it. If that happens, :yelp:

#10. Lies have a sneaky way of catching up with you.

Someday

Change comes slowly. At its own pace, and sometimes its hard to identify until bang! its there. There have been things that have always been taught to us. In thin textbooks, pencil drawings, moral stories. We've been taught to be patient, to be selfless, be humble. We've been warned against greed and explained how to be truly happy we have to give more. We've been told to curb desires, to help others, to be kind and never to hate, but only forgive. Love, friendship, goodness, worth... These are the things that make any man... or woman 'truly' happy, content. Life has been charted out to us a simple way of gentle care, hard work, constant responsibility. Emulate the good and do away with the bad.

We've all begun as idealists haven't we? Learnt to be human, wanted and given love, expected laughter. Most of us have become bitter with constant disappointment. Some of us have become cynical and laughed at the naive optimism of some untouched soul. Some of us have lost the hope of ever getting what we want, and looked enviously at the ones who still laughed, who still seemed to get everything, 'perfectly'. Most of us are more or less lucky about certain things we seldom recognise. We all have something going for us and human nature makes us want the things we haven't or cannot get. Discontent is normal, some people deal with it and push the thought away and some brood and make it worse for themselves.

Everyone has flaws. I've learnt to identify mine and found them to be too many. Comparing people/things is horrible. Sometimes people think too much. They puzzle and agonise, and frustration comes when the thing is belittled to nothingness and the earlier constant perusal seems stupid, if not unnecessary and redundant. Carpe Diem is something that I've always found worrying. It is somehow... so irresponsible. Moments do need to be seized, but we've to be careful that it hurts no one else in the process. Being a little selfish is fine. Being cruel in this selfishness is immature, and brutal.

Stick to your guns and believe what you believe firmly. Not rigidly, being hardened is not necessarily courageous. Things change, but sometimes you're not an individual anymore. If you're a tree with a hundred birds and animals living in your boughs and trunk, you've to think before you decide to uproot yourself and go off to Siberia. The animals might die. Provide winter care first.

Explosive effusions

Sometimes theres this huge ball of fury that rises within you that just wont remain down. It steadily rises and every passing minute it reaches a new level of violence. Your ears turn warm and the red in your face can almost emanate heat. Its as if your chest might almost burst with the effort of remaining calm as you try to keep your voice neutral, trying to understand, to reason with yourself that now is not the time, later later. But then you reach a point where you can either clam up and bury your nose in your work while talking to people with amazing alacrity, forgetting that you're seething within... or snap.