Rush

and I feel 

like a carnivore 

but I do 

think you're pitiful 

both hands by my side 

take me for anything 

so why did you hide? 

and when I lay down low 

and feel like I'm in control 

it damages everything 

you'd better go

I was everything you wanted

for a while

and i'd like to believe you

but I can't

so i'll leave you

on your own.

What a shock

To find it in your drafts.

Something dictated to me, one day, an apology? No, I don't know what to call it. But since I know you never read this, it's okay:

"This is not very familiar, you saying "i dont wanna talk to you" and i dont honestly like it very much... Feel sad... They say that you shouldnt convince your friends and enemies. Enemies wont get convinced and friends dont need to. But they also say take no one for granted. I am sorry. I dont wanna push it cause i dont wanna force myself on you in any way. Im ashamed, cause I feel im not the same person you wrote the testimonial about in orkut. There is always been something about you that has drawn me to your company, and it always will. so im never worried that we will grow apart. What further strengthens this is that i know that you wont let go either. You're a good person, and Im not as good as you thought me to be. But im sure i can make that up somehow... Cheer up.. you had worse... sorry. okok no jokes."

Gone.

It's been a year.

Already.

I wrote you something but can't bring myself to post it. I know that you know that there's no concept of 'going back home' for me anymore. Home was you for me, like it has been for twenty years. And now its just a place where we stay. It will always be empty now. So anchor-less.

And I cant seem to explain it to anyone else, even in my head. So I'm going to keep it with me.

There's so much reproach sometimes, you were supposed to be there.

Ugh.

You have to be kidding me

A fine situation we have gotten ourselves into here. Now what?!

Ugh.

Back Against The Wall

Tonight I’ll have a look
And try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house
My spirit screams and dies again
Out back a monster wears a cloak of Persian leather
Behind the TV screen
I've fallen to my knees

I said you got me where you want me again
And I can’t turn away
I'm hanging by thread and I'm feelin’ like a fool
I'm stuck here in-between
The shadows of my yesterday
I want to get away
I need to get away

Blanket of silence
Makes me want to sink my teeth in deep
Burn all the evidence
A fabricated disbelief
Pull back the curtains
Took a look into your eyes
My tongue has now become
A platform for your lies

***

Maybe because I really never had my angsty boy rock band phase. But, I love you.