Roller Coaster

I think I’m still in the process of understanding myself. I still don’t know why I react in certain ways to things, why I feel like saying what. It’s like being perpetually drunk and not knowing what or why or how things come to what they are. Then I have these sudden sober moments when I’m completely in control and can think constructively what I am and see myself. Usually I see myself from the outside, view what I’m doing as if I’m a spectator. Those moments when I completely extricate myself from my body and my mind is such a surreal feeling… It’s as if I have to fit into this role that everyone around me views me in, and I just have to mould myself accordingly. I can’t resist the temptation to give them exactly what they expect and what they want. And sometimes, I manage to resist it and act completely opposite to that, and in those moments I experience one of my highest euphoria. It’s a kind of triumphant rebellion, but after that I invariably end up feeling depressed and drained.