Neruda Night.

Almost three years since I've been here.

Can you really go back? Never.

Perhaps

You know what's the best thing I see about you? That you may be a lost cause but are still a hero for my revolution.

I miss that.

Maybe tomorrow

It's already 2011. It's going to be an interesting year.

The Frumps

So irritated. Tired, hungry, overworked. Maybe this is how PMS is supposed to be.

Mangle

You're not you

I'm not me

Flickered, burnt, erased.

Breakfast at Tiffany's

You spun me a million stars

And I screamed in delight and rode them all

Until I confused you with yet another of my July loves

Do you still dream by me, in snatched moments of truth?

Well carry on then, because I'm shattering those illusions too soon

And you wail in your wretched loneliness

There's nothing you have anymore.

Rush

and I feel 

like a carnivore 

but I do 

think you're pitiful 

both hands by my side 

take me for anything 

so why did you hide? 

and when I lay down low 

and feel like I'm in control 

it damages everything 

you'd better go

I was everything you wanted

for a while

and i'd like to believe you

but I can't

so i'll leave you

on your own.

What a shock

To find it in your drafts.

Something dictated to me, one day, an apology? No, I don't know what to call it. But since I know you never read this, it's okay:

"This is not very familiar, you saying "i dont wanna talk to you" and i dont honestly like it very much... Feel sad... They say that you shouldnt convince your friends and enemies. Enemies wont get convinced and friends dont need to. But they also say take no one for granted. I am sorry. I dont wanna push it cause i dont wanna force myself on you in any way. Im ashamed, cause I feel im not the same person you wrote the testimonial about in orkut. There is always been something about you that has drawn me to your company, and it always will. so im never worried that we will grow apart. What further strengthens this is that i know that you wont let go either. You're a good person, and Im not as good as you thought me to be. But im sure i can make that up somehow... Cheer up.. you had worse... sorry. okok no jokes."

Gone.

It's been a year.

Already.

I wrote you something but can't bring myself to post it. I know that you know that there's no concept of 'going back home' for me anymore. Home was you for me, like it has been for twenty years. And now its just a place where we stay. It will always be empty now. So anchor-less.

And I cant seem to explain it to anyone else, even in my head. So I'm going to keep it with me.

There's so much reproach sometimes, you were supposed to be there.

Ugh.

You have to be kidding me

A fine situation we have gotten ourselves into here. Now what?!

Ugh.

Back Against The Wall

Tonight I’ll have a look
And try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house
My spirit screams and dies again
Out back a monster wears a cloak of Persian leather
Behind the TV screen
I've fallen to my knees

I said you got me where you want me again
And I can’t turn away
I'm hanging by thread and I'm feelin’ like a fool
I'm stuck here in-between
The shadows of my yesterday
I want to get away
I need to get away

Blanket of silence
Makes me want to sink my teeth in deep
Burn all the evidence
A fabricated disbelief
Pull back the curtains
Took a look into your eyes
My tongue has now become
A platform for your lies

***

Maybe because I really never had my angsty boy rock band phase. But, I love you.

Confused.

Space is never empty

Cobwebs find their way inside

And one day when I will come back looking

It will smell of musk and decay like something else I realise

Now.

A series of memories, someone else's

Borrowed perhaps

"Did I ever really do that?"

"Tell me like I said it once more?"

Appearances change

And you have to make appearances

Roles slip in easily now

Or you slip easily out.

Grey spots multiply

There is nothing left to rain on

Decay spreads around

Like some old wound that caught gangrene

And you lay there unaware

Verse is increasingly violent

It is the calm before the storm

One coconut, two coconut, three coconut, four

Gritted teeth

Dimple within

Bared fangs show

Lust mixed with sorrow

Grey with Very Black

Mad hair and flashing eyes

A dagger nursed with care

The ulcer must have burst sir

There was internal bleeding too

The patient didn't feel a thing

And neither did you.

Out of the picture

Sir, could you move slightly towards the left please. Yes, a little bit further. That's right. Yes, crouch a little lower, yes, your knees to the ground sir, a little further left, yes, yes, that's it. Your face a bit lower sir, no, no, you must remain crouched. Could you just settle the wig, sir, it's flying a bit upwards. If you could just hold your breath for a moment, and keep your eyes to the floor sir. You'd find a remarkable patterning of dust and refuse that has collected over the years, quite fascinating. No sir, this cloak is just to match with the background sir, we wouldn't want you to stand out. Yes sir, a little uncomfortable, but let me just get this right. You must remain nose to the ground sir, or the purpose would be lost. Yes, sir, this is to match with the master's taste. Please don't stir, this is the best we have left for you. No sir, soon this will be over.

Flash.

One more, and we'll be done.

I miss you in a way that I never want you back. How do you live?

Because you'll never read this and you'll never know this.

And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders

Catching things and eating their insides

Like indecision to call you and hear your voice of treason

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

(I miss you, miss you)

Ugh.

Spitball.

Amusement.

At the pretense of it all.

Anger.

At the nonchalant attempt to appear human.

Rage.

At the utter remorselessness.

Incredulity.

At the actual achievement of self-delusion.

Wonder.

At how one lives like that.

Need.

To forget.

***

Can't seem to resist one (hopefully) last potshot at this.

Knowing yourself and actually believing what you know are two vastly different milestones. One you have always known, the other you may never reach.

Words are pretty. And they make covering up a lot easier. I'm sorry, but I will never again, ever, "understand".

Need.To.Get.A.Grip.

Wasn't this supposed to happen in class nine or something? Serves me right for having it so easy so far :|

Choke. Splutter. WTF.

NEED.TO.GET.A.GRIP.

Or else die of shame.

Aaaaaaaaaaah! :(

Dance Dance Dance

"When I was little, I had this science book. There was a section on "What would happen to the world if there was no friction?" Answer: "Everything on earth would fly into space from the centrifugal force of revolution." That was my mood."

Wow

The first person I'd turn to has just become the last person I'd ever turn to.

Stupid, miserable day

Stupid, miserable memories.

Things that are supposed to affect you seem to be uneasily easier to take care of.

Things that you shouldn't, wouldn't care for, things that are supposed to be over and done with come back and haunt.